How to be an Active Member of Your Community
The last few years we’ve seen there be a big shift towards building community and that’s great! I’m so glad people want to help one another and get involved. But, we need to remember to be a villager, too. That means also asking for help and accepting help when it’s offered. It means being inconvenienced and getting outside our comfort zone.
So, here’s my quick guide to learning how to be an active member in your village.
Get out there!
You may not like to hear it, but you have to get out there to build community and find your people. Your community is IN the community. Home bodies, I hear you and feel you. But once you build your community, you can invite them in your home and you can be home bodies together!
No, you don’t have to do everything and it’s totally okay to stay in when you need to. But you do have to actively engage in your community/villager in order to be a villager.
Get out of your comfort zone, too
Try something you may not have tried before! If I could tell myself from 2 years ago that my favorite pastime now is partner dancing, I would probably laugh in your face. It was so extremely out of my comfort zone and it still can be sometimes. You have to touch and dance with a stranger and social dancing is 100% improvisation. But now it’s my favorite thing! I love dancing, I love jazz music, and I love the social aspect of it. It’s how I made most of my friends/community and we’ve grown to do stuff outside of dancing like hiking, crafting, roller skating, DND, and more!
It can be a great way to meet folks you may not have met before and you just might learn to like something new.
Offer help before they ask
I don’t know about you, but it can be hard to ask for help (more on this later). Your friends may feel the same, so offer them help before they ask. It shows that you have initiative in your friendship and can help them to feel less burdensome by asking. If you have plans to go bowling with a group of friends, be the one to offer a ride for folks. If you have a friend going on a vacation soon, ask them if they would like a ride to the airport.
A big part of community is helping folks save money and relying on each other versus on companies and corporations. A great way to vote with your dollar is by building community! Helping each other more with rides, a spare room to crash in, carpooling, etc is less money we have to give to mega corporation stores, hotels, rideshares, and oil companies, just to name a few.
I think it’s also important that you do these things without making sure you get compensated down to the penny. Part of being a villager is not about keeping track of debts owed, but doing things that genuinely help your friends and neighbors. Of course, no one should be taken advantage of. This all comes down to reciprocity and everyone has to contribute to the village. But what I mean is that if you buy someone a $10 lunch and they get you a $7 coffee next weekend, you shouldn’t demand that $3. It was a favor exchanged for another favor of similar value. You can figure our what works for you and your group, but try not to be a stickler about it.
Accept favors and gifts without paying back
Similarly, be open to accepting favors. I often am the one who volunteers to drive. I never expect or demand payment, but oftentimes I’ll get a friend who gives me a $10 bill or buys me my coffee when we get to our location. It’s taken time for me to just accept that trade, but if someone wants to do that, then I should let them.
Again, though, I don’t demand any sort of “payment.” I’m happy to give rides, let someone crash on my blowup mattress, or share dinner with me at home without expecting anything in return. Honestly, I love giving gifts and providing for others that really all I want is their company, a smile, and a “thanks” at the end of the day.
Ask for help
It’s also important to ask for help, too! If your car is in the shop, but you have plans this weekend, see if someone in that group can drive instead of you. If you’re heading out of town, ask a friend if they can come check your mail and water your plants. Maybe you need bigger help, too. Just ask!
This is a huge benefit of having a larger community. If someone says no, it’s okay, you have a whole list of others to ask.
The worst thing that can happen is that they say no, so just ask!
Here are some ideas of things to ask for and help with that you may not have thought to ask before since there are people you can pay to do these things:
Service your car (change oil, rotate tires, etc)
Mend your clothing (fix a hole, put a button back on, etc)
Learning skills in general! If you have someone who can operate a sewing machine, see if they can teach you and you can teach them how to make sourdough in exchange, for example
Rotate Responsibilities
As much as you can, try to ensure that no one gets or feels like they’re being taken advantage of. Rotate who drives, who hosts, who cooks, etc for gatherings. Spread the workload out amongst everyone so that the “burden” is shared and the weight is distributed close to equally. Burn out can occur and lead to people distancing themselves if they feel taken advantage of!
Be intentional while making plans
I’ve found the best way to build and maintain that community is to just be intentional! No more “we should get coffee sometime” and more “I’m free this Saturday morning for coffee, are you? Cool, let’s meet at 9am at XYZ coffee shop!” Make the plans! This is how I’ve turned what was once my swing dancing group into several smaller groups of folks who have overlapping hobbies.
As much as you can help it, don’t cancel the plans! I know that the me who made the plans may have been more ambitious than the me who has to execute, but go anyway. I find that I am so rejuvenated by that planned hangout than I would’ve been just sitting at home. If you have to cancel, make sure you reschedule that moment so that the plans don’t get fully abandoned.
And be intentional about your friends in general. Remember birthdays, get them a thank you card after they helped you out, ask them about the vacation they just took, and be a listening ear for it all.
Help others not in your direct circles
It’s always great to lend a hand to a friend, but help those who you may not know as well. Some of my favorite ways to do this are by giving my old books new life in a Little Free Library, giving away stuff I’ve decluttered on my No Buy Group, stocking Free Little Pantries and donating to our food bank, volunteering with local public lands agencies, and things of that nature.
I’m truly a believer in what comes around goes around. If you want to be helped by your neighbors and community when you need it, you have to help them, too. Even strangers!
Be politically involved
One of the best ways to stand up for your community is by voting for their best interest. It’s hard for me to fix homelessness, for example, with my own two hands, but I can ensure that I vote for politicians and legislation designed to help. So be an informed voter and don’t just vote for someone “in your party.” Check out their donors and their campaign items.
I also suggest going smaller! Head to your local town hall meetings to listen and give public comment. In a big state like California, it takes time to wait for our Governor to do something about our tiny town way up north. So I am more reliant on my city/county to do something about logging, green energy, feeding people, and things of that nature.
Support one another in their goals/ achievements
Just friendly support goes a long way! Congratulate people on promotions, graduations, winning an award, doing something new, and more. This year, my friends and I gathered in January to make bingo cards of our 2026 goals and we get to celebrate one another as we cross them off. Some of them also include joining a sports team that the rest of us can go watch and cheer on.
You could even throw parties or just go out to dinner to celebrate these things. I love that these celebrations can be done on any budget and large or small.
And truly, just words of encouragement go a long way and show that you care. I’m only 3 semesters into my degree, but so many of my lovely friends congratulated me on another semester behind me. It feels good to be recognized for your handwork so share that love with others!
Point people towards resources and one another
I love to play friend matchmaker. I made two friends separately at dance who have such similar vibes and energies so I introduced them to one another! I also love when someone has a question about a certain topic or is looking for help with a certain thing and I can be like “oh, so and so is really knowledgeable about bike, maybe you can ask them for advice on which one you should buy,” or “this person also loves to run, you should check out their running club!”
Check in
This is an area I still need to improve on. I love checking in with my friends when we see each other once a week, but I want to get better at regular text check ins. It could be as simple as “here’s a photo of the craft I made this week, I wanted to show you,” or “this meme made me think of you!”
I personally also love getting texts from friends trying to identify plants, I’m the resident botanist, instead of them waiting until the next time we see each other face to face. I love getting texts from friends so I’m sure they appreciate it in the inverse so I’m making an effort to do it more!
For me and my friend group, this also looks like making sure everyone is included, especially around the holidays. My entire adult life, I’ve lived away from my family. So Dan and I always try to be the hosts for other transplants who may be spending the holidays alone otherwise. The same goes for birthdays! We want everyone to feel welcome and part of the group.
Just generally contribute!
Honestly, nothing irritates me more than someone who is part of the group but never contributes to the group. It doesn’t have to be monetarily, either. If a potluck is being hosted and you can’t cook, grab a case of sparkling water on your way. If that’s too much money for you, contribute time by helping to set the table or prepare the space in other ways.
I know it may not be feasible to do every time, but because community is rooted in reciprocity, I find this one super important.
Volunteer
If you still don’t know where to start when it comes to building community in the first place, volunteer! This is a great way to give back, get involved, and meet people. I’ve made great friends while volunteering. It can also lead to other connections and doors being opened!
How are you a villager? Let us know below!
As always, remember that your small actions make a big difference in the long run :)
Emma
